I am not going to pretend to be an expert at thankfulness. I can say I’m pretty good at being an optimist and full of joy, but it’s hard to be thankful.

God expects nothing less. As righteous & blameless as this puny human would love to be, I’m still made of flesh. And because of this, thankfulness requires an enormous amount of effort on my part. It takes a response that can only be intentional.

Reflecting on the happenings of this year… and there are many… I find so many things to be thankful for. The opportunity to do IVF, our views from home are stunning. This blog and the healing it has provided to myself and others and how it has grown by leaps and bounds this year. The Lord’s answers to so many prayers.

This all gives me reason to shout His praises from rooftops.

But, the hardest challenge of my life has undoubtedly been the moment I held one of our deceased twins in my hands all the while knowing the expectation to be thankful anyways…

My tiny baby… the size of my thumb.

That precious moment in time. It will never, and I mean never, be forgotten. 

As I wrote those last sentences, tears of grief struck my keyboard. It is still hard.

In an instant, your eyes go from focused writing to the memory of a painful day. {snap} Just like that.

These are the moments I’m talking about. How does a mother who lost her child practice thanksgiving amidst the stinging tears. Or for some of you, maybe it’s the hope of a child. How?

We live in a shaking world. The culture in which we live, the hardships we endure, the sicknesses we battle, the lives we lose, the financial mountains we climb, the marital discord we wade through, and the fight to thrive another day leaves us weary, hopeless, and discouraged. Unthankful. Downright, unthankful.

I developed a manner of prayer a few years back, which has since turned into a way of life. 

As you all know, I’m a journalist. A doodler in written form. I write everything down. In fact, I’d rather pay by check just to get the shear joy of putting pen to paper.

I began each written prayer with words of gratitude, thanksgiving, gladness and hope. Sometimes I would write just a few sentences and other times a whole page in my notebook.

Lord, I am thankful for today. It is beautiful. Thank you for answered prayer. Thank you for my husband. Thank you for the joy of coming home and having my dogs greet me without fail. It’s so healing to a barren’s heart.

It wasn’t long before I found myself beginning my spoken prayers in this same format. And today, my first reaction in the midst of heartache is to search for a reason to be thankful.

Even if I’m broke as can be. Even if I’ve suffered loss. Even if the work of my hands fail so much that it almost seems pointless to go on. Even if I feel like I’ve fallen short as a wife. Even if I feel like my husband has fallen short. Even if I feel completely useless to others and to the children in my life (a common feeling and fear of barrens). Even if…

I must find something for which to be thankful. By Christ’s blood, I have every reason to.

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful… Hebrews 12:28

I leave you with this. The Scripture above rocked my soul when I read it and I just had to share. As tangibly and emotionally moved as I was, I have a kingdom awaiting me that will sustain the winds of this life without even a shiver. It cannot be shaken. Christ is mine.

Rest in this fact, dear brothers and sisters, as we wade through the mess to find the thankfulness that our heart’s response should be.

An excerpt from my journal on the morning of the miscarriage. I would lose my babies just mere hours later…

August 22, 2016

Lord, thank you for the absolutely gorgeous morning today! A cool 60 something degrees. Ugh! I love it! You know I do, though.

God thank you for the memories of our 10 year anniversary trip that happened one year ago.

[On] Aug 22, 2015 we were boarding our flights to come back home from Wyoming. Lord, I’ve never seen an American space so beautiful. My heart was left there I believe.

Lord, as you give me new inspiration and remind me of old ones, I feel as though my life and blog will be taking a turn in course soon. My pen is beginning to draw the letters that speak about the inspiring things in this life. My new aspirations…

Thank you for inspirations, aspirations, knowledge of your will, eyes with which to see Your handiwork.

Lord, I pray for more drive, words, interest, knowledge, wisdom, and encouragement in doing this life You’ve given to me rightly. I want to see more of what you would have this life look like.