I feel like every time I write a blog post, I get more and more candid about the depths of my personal thoughts, struggles, and fears. I almost feel like I’m over sharing! But here’s the thing, I KNOW others deal with the same issues. The thoughts and fears we have are not ours alone, they are impacting many. So, I feel obligated to write about it anyways. I can only pray that it will help someone.

Remember when I was describing some of my current woes and how tough life had been lately? How when we experience turbulent times we need to remember God’s promises? When I was encouraging you to stay in His word and constant prayer?

That was only a couple of weeks ago but, get this – things did not get better for me. At risk of sounding like another pity party, I won’t go into specific detail. For crying out loud, I want to encourage you and not depress you! That is, after all,  the ultimate goal of this blog.

But in order to encourage you, some of the nasty, embarrassing details simply must be disclosed. A testimony is a testimony because there is a before and after; A beginning and an end. In the pruning stages, there’s a before pic, a progress pic, and an after pic. Right?

After I posted From the Pit to the Mountaintop and In Between earlier in November, things got worse… a lot worse. About a week later, I slid into a depression I hadn’t experienced since my parents’ divorce when I was 14. All of those intense feelings had resurfaced. Every last one.

Since I gave my life to Christ at 18, I’ve certainly found myself in seasons of depression but have been able to overcome them very quickly with prayer, intentional thinking {2 Corinthians 10:3-6}, and focus on scripture {Philippians 4:8}.

But when it happened this time, it scared the living daylights out of me because I could tell it was bad.

Depression is no joke and when the devil attacks our mind it’s horrifying. 

I stayed in prayer and scripture the whole time even though I felt like God was no where to be found. Why was He allowing this? Hadn’t I suffered enough? I cried out to the Lord, ‘Where are you???’. Like so many have done.

As I sat in the despair of my circumstances & emotions, I began the process of looking for God’s hand in all of it. Even though I couldn’t see Him or feel His presence, I knew God was still working. I evaluated the internal emotions, yes. But also the tangible scenes in which I found myself. My husband is not here. My friends are busy with their lives this weekend, plus I didn’t want to bring my negativity to them. The two friends who I tend to go to for deep counseling were unreachable. My pastor was preparing for the delivery of their first child that very week, so I didn’t want to bother him. I tried to sync up with one of my small groups at church but they weren’t meeting. And truly none of that mattered because really I didn’t want to be around anyone anyways. If you’ve ever been depressed, you know that insolation is a demon fought in the depression battle.

God was obviously allowing me to be isolated on purpose.

But, why? Isn’t it biblical to reach out to brothers and sisters in Christ for encouragement and help? Absolutely. But, when God gave me an ordained detour from those beaten paths, my eyes and ears pried open. I knew exactly the pruning at hand. He was reminding me to rely on Him first and not everyone & everything else for resolve, comfort, and solution.

This is not the first time I’ve had to learn this. This lesson came hard way back in 2002. Brooks and I were a little over 2 years into our relationship and were inseparable lovebirds. I relied on him so much. But, that summer he had to complete an internship for his college degree. As God would have it, that internship would be out of state… for 3 months…. with very limited cell service… I cried…. a lot…..

As a new Christian, I was still using Brooks as my crutch. He was my false savior. A false idol. So, God didn’t have a choice but to pluck him temporarily out of my life for a Brooks-detox. Did I mention I cried… a lot??? I initially felt all of the normal symptoms from an abrupt withdrawal of something. Anxiety, fear, sadness, and panic.

But, those 3 tender months with the Lord were some of the best. I wasn’t distracted with anything false. I was developing a deep and genuine love for God. He was teaching me His ways and His care and keeping for His beloved.

Last month, as I weighed all that was happening around me and the toll it was taking, I knew God was giving me a lesson review. While I was still actively reading His word, praying, and journaling, my heart was still relying too much on Brooks, friends, and even this blog for comfort. Again, all of those things are good, godly things. They are gifts given to me by the Lord. But, they had become a false idol.

False idols give false & temporary comfort. Going out with friends is a good thing. Many times, I have received an encouraging word from them, a hug, a smile, a genuine cheering. But, it’s always been temporary. The only everlasting solution or encouragement I’ve received is from the Lord. We tend to focus so much on immediately comforting ourselves that we miss the only comfort worth having – a genuine reliance on God.

Upon realizing my shortcoming, I immediately repented, complete with tears. A burden was lifted. Thank you Lord for showing me your handiwork!

I’m not saying I’m out of the woods yet on all of my circumstances. They are still present and difficult but there’s joy {not happiness} in knowing it’s not in vain. It’s not for nothing. Relationships are being righted. My rash has since cleared up. Finances are getting in order. More importantly my heart is relying on God for the needs I have in all of this.

I know this has been quite a deep and lengthy post. Thanks for sticking with me. I do have some good news to share in an upcoming post. Let’s just say that Dec 16th is going to be an exciting day on the infertility front! God’s still working and I can’t wait to share those specifics with you!

For now, all of the pruning has left me sore. I’m going to go apply some ice and ibuprofen.