But, through it, God “trained” me to stand firm, hold to the truth, and develop endurance.

So, when Zera arose to her dominant state, I was already rigid enough to withstand the blows. I had learned to wear my armor [Ephesians 6] which meant her firey darts were bouncing right off. I’ll never forget the very moment that she spoke something so incredibly heinous and it literally didn’t phase me other than to think, “Did she really just say that?”.

There was a “shield of faith” positioned between me and her that she couldn’t penetrate. Watching that happen fed my faith and was evidence of God going before me and being between me and my enemy.

"But now thus says the Lord, 
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; 
I have called you by name, YOU ARE MINE. 
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; 
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; 
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, 
and the flame shall not consume you..." 
Isaiah 43:1-2

This is what it is to belong to the Lord. To be saved by grace and grace alone. To once be lost but now found. To be wandering + alone but now surrounded. To be weak, angry, and unkempt but now strong, vigilant, and protected.

Zera, at least for now, has gotten away with her crime. But, because of the Lord’s work to soften my heart and give me the right view of the situation, I have forgiven her.

As good as it feels to be in the position as the one who is offended, to be right, or innocent, it is incredibly important to be humble. I believe that is where forgiveness originates and grows. Through humility.

Aren’t I Better Than You? NO!

I have a SUPER embarrassing story to tell you… golly, it is embarrassing. But, necessary to this story of growth + forgiveness… [insert a long, lamenting sigh here…]

I grew up in Ashland, VA. It’s a really cute college town a couple of hours south of DC. Back in the early 90s, there was a department store called Peebles. It was like a small town version of JC Penney. My mom and I would go there from time to time shopping for bits of clothes and things. On one of our excursions, I found this lovely ring. I was about 8 or so and I just had to have it for my collection of clothing accessories. But, my mom wouldn’t get it for me. So, I pouted.

Sound familiar? All of our parents have been “annoying” like that, right? And we’ve been that kid that wanted something and was told ‘no’?

Here’s where I’m embarrassed… when Momma wasn’t looking I stole the ring.

Yes, I was a complete brat who saw something I wanted, was told ‘no’, and decided to take it anyway.

… at this point, I’m hiding under my writing desk… I’m so very embarrassed.

God saw what I had done in secret and brought it to light. I turned myself in to my mom. She then told my dad… who was the scariest disciplinarian of my life. His idea of punishment was to, of course, make my wrong a right. He escorted me back to Peebles to give the ring back.

But, wait there’s more… there was a “Part B” of this punishment…

When we arrived at Peebles the cops were there… yes…. my dad had asked Peebles to have cops there to set me straight… they pulled me into the store’s office to talk to me about the importance of honesty, not stealing, and doing what is right. Peebles also set a boundary and said I was no longer allowed in their store.

I’ve never forgotten the lesson… and right now my stomach is queasy from admitting it to you. Excuse me while I go take some ginger…

The point? Like Zera, I. Am. A. THIEF! I simply cannot judge Zera for stealing from me because I have stolen something, too.

I am guilty of the same crime.

That is how I am able to forgive her. I am no better of a human being than she is. I can forgive because God has forgiven me.

I was finally free.

So, I’m done, right? I’ve humbled myself, forgiven Zera, moved on with my life, and refocused. What more is there to do?

The Woman at the Well

One of my absolute favorite character traits of Christ is His willingness to go to great lengths in order to care for His beloved. We see this in His work at the cross, dying for our sins, and also when He describes His leaving the 99 sheep to find the one that has gone astray.

"For the Son of man is come to 
save that which was lost... 
And if so be that He find it... 
He REJOICETH more of that sheep..." 
Matthew 18:11

The account of the woman at the well displays beautifully His willingness to go find that which has been lost.

In this story, Jesus was heading to Galilee but took a detour from His GPS map to stop at a well. Jesus, of course, knew that in doing this He would encounter the woman at the well.

He sat waiting. When she arrived, He told her about the true living water that He offered. She rejected Him at first but then her heart softened to hear that He could give her a quenched thirst that lasts. She was interested and Jesus asked her to go get her husband. She replied she didn’t have one.

Was that the truth? Yes and no.

She actually had told a twisted version of a lie to Him… technically, she wasn’t lying when she said she wasn’t married. But, at the time, she only had a boyfriend.

Jesus wasn’t fooled and revealed that He knew all about who she was. He called out her lifestyle of having had multiple husbands (5 previous marriages to be exact), and at present, she had a boyfriend. He had exposed that she was a liar (having lied about her relationship status).

Can you blame her? She was concealing her shame of having had failed relationship, after failed relationship. Don’t miss the fact that she tried to lie to God Himself.

Shame absolutely drives us to be sinners. First as liars and if left unchecked that grows to more serious character issues. In this case, it caused the woman at the well to be hard-hearted, a liar, and dysfunctional in relationships.

Sounds like a lot of us doesn’t it… I’ve experienced in my own relationships and seen in those around me the grittiness of dysfunction stemming from shame. Shame drives us to duck into the shadows in order to avoid the possibility that our embarrassment will be exposed.

Ah, exposure… that’s what Jesus was doing. He was bringing to light that which was being concealed in secret. Was His reason for doing this to stir the pot? To bring more shame and guilt to a woman marred by life?

No. He was leaving the 99 to find the 1 that was lost. Exposing her shortcomings in order to make her whole.

He laid aside the GPS coordinates and left the roadway/the plan/the travel in order to go to this well… to meet a severely broken woman, who had no hope, who was living in shame, who was actively concealing her trail of bad decisions, who was a liar, who went from man to man, who was just going about her day to fill her bucket with water from a well… it was all for her. The 1 that was lost and needed to be set free from her guilt and shame.

It was then that she took the soul-quenching water that He handed to her. She would be free.

It’s Her

I had forgiven Zera and my heart was pliable but it still didn’t break for her.

The week of September 18th, I was basking in my glory of deep-rooted freedom when God jolted me out of my “safe land”. In part two of this story – Fallow Ground – I stated that so many people wanted to label Zera as evil but, God kept nudging me to see her as severely broken.

God was right. She isn’t evil. In the space of a breath, it hit me.

Zera is a woman at the well. It’s her.

That moment forever altered the state of my heart, my mind, and even my emotions.

I saw her for the first time as God saw her. Broken but worth veering off course. Living in shame but not incurable. Hardened by her choices, her life, and her disappointments but still loved by Christ Himself.

I cried for Zera.

She’s hurt badly. And I just happen to be the focus of her aggression.

We all “deserve” to feel the shame and pain that we feel. We are sinners and reap the hardship that we bring about. We make the bed and we have to sleep in it, so to speak. But, freedom is still an option. Through Christ alone.

Zera has made some bad calls in this chapter. She’s done wrong but none of it is irreversible. I hope she knows this. I don’t hold a gavel over her, God does. But, He also holds His arms wide. Ready for her to let go.

By October 10th 2023, I had spent the last few weeks in awe of God’s work in all of this. I am so very thankful to have eyes to see and compassion towards Zera, for my own anger + bitterness to have dissipated, and for my heart to be humbled towards my human enemy.

My heart and flesh were failing in love but God made my heart change. Hallelujah.

My response, beyond a life of thanksgiving and compassion, was to continue praying for Zera and the family members who walked away from me.

Journal Entry: October 10, 2023

Lord God, I delight in the truth of your word today and everyday. Your mercies are new each morning and I can walk confidently in freedom + truth. 

Father, thank you for all that you offer. Grace, forgiveness, edification, and all of the other promises that you give. I am glad to say that I believe my heart is mended of the anger and bitterness that came as a result of [Zera's] actions. I see your hand at work. 

A couple of weeks ago you helped me to realize that she is the woman at the well. She is living in sin and yet you love her. My fight isn't against flesh + blood it is against evil {evil is trying to keep [Zera] in the bondage of chains}. I rest in this bc... I know that you go before me. My [own] healing comes from eyes set on Christ, a mind renewed by faith, and trust that is solely on you. 

Lord God, I pray that [Zera] would come to a place of repentence bc she is still the woman at the well. Let her heart turn from her sins and find freedom + forgiveness in Christ. 

Lord, you've taught me how to see her as you see her and my heart now breaks for her... help her to see YOU... our God, our Healer, our HOPE. 

For your glory, what a testimony. 

In Jesus' name. Amen. 

Your Turn for Application

I am not the only one who has been assaulted and offended. I am certain every single one of us walks this same road at some point in our lives. So, how will you apply my 2 year journey to your own life?

Are you living a life of unforgiveness and need to forgive your enemy? Do you need to have eyes to see and a heart that understands that we don’t war against flesh + blood but against the evil of chains and bondage?

Is your heart hardened towards someone and you need to see them as God does? As someone whom Christ died for?

Do you know and see yourself as a sinner, too? As one capable and very likely guilty of assaulting + offending? As someone who is just as much a thief as the one who stole from you?

Do you know the love of Christ? Do you know that He is the one who can set you free from your bitterness and bad calls in life? This must come first before any genuine heart change can happen. Know Him.

As easy as it would have been for me to wear a hat of entitlement and grievance, I found that all I wanted to do was know how God expected me to respond. The flesh in me wanted to fight and fight hard. But, there was another work at hand and a hard lesson in training was about to bring me to a crisis of faith.

If you missed part 1 of this series then click here — Woman at the Well: The War (Part 1)

What about JUSTICE?

“The Lord preserves all who love him,
    but all the wicked he will destroy.” Psalm 145:20

In the paralyzing aftermath, I sat confused. My intellectual sort of brain wanted to crunch the numbers, make a list, and ponder the facts. So, I tried and each time I did God would bring to mind the truth of His word for comfort and distraction.

“God will give ear and humble [my enemies],
    he who is enthroned from of old, Selah
because they do not change
    and do not fear God.” Psalm 55:19

What wasn’t offered during this time were the solutions to the problem. If I wasn’t supposed to know all of the whys or hows then, for the love, what the heck was I supposed to do?!?!

“Lord, don’t you see that we’re losing this war? The enemy is getting away with this!” Reeling from the frustration that evil was winning, I sat in my puddle of tearful waiting; trusting God.

If you are familiar with this blog you know that, while I may not be a pro at a lot of things, waiting is something at which I’ve had a lot of practice. The obstacles that Brooks and I have faced are crazy. Infertility, being 1st generation farmers, renovators of an old house, and Christian are all deep waters that have been and/or continue to be swum. Practiced even.

The key to waiting? Staying in the word, knowing Him, and believing the truth. Faith, after all, is the belief in the unseen.

So, as my chapter of waiting set off, I set some healthy boundaries with those in my family who betrayed me and began the work of healing. This had to be done without knowing the future and WITHOUT THE PROMISE OF JUSTICE. Yikes… that last bit hurt.

Don’t we naturally want justice when we’ve been wronged? Being still is so, so hard.

“Be still, and know that I am God.
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth!” Psalm 46:10

For more than a year, I practiced the simple discipline of being a “branch”.

 “I [Jesus] am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” John 15:5

FALLOW GROUND

As a gardener, I am constantly thinking about the ground my flowers + vegetables grow on. I’ll never forget the day I broke ground on my first garden bed. It is the front section where a collection of hydrangea, boxwood, and pieris now reside. Later, I added ferns since it faces north and gets a good bit of shade.

Job one was to break up the fallow ground. I took my broadfork and broke up the ground, turning the existing soil, adding a few amendments, planting all the things, and covering it with mulch. The fallow ground had been broken and new things were being planted. Now, 5 years later, that bed is such a fruitful and delightful space to enjoy.

But, it had to endure the hardship of being worked first. The quenching effects of watering, fertilizing, and bearing fruit came later.

In my chapter focusing solely on being a ‘branch’, I learned that I had become hardened by all of the things life has thrown at me. My soul’s ground had become fallow. I was in need of some literal ground-breaking work.

My strategy for healing?

I worked on my reading project (I had started reading the bible in chronological order only a few weeks before ‘the war‘ had started… God is good and always in the details of timing), focused on rooting into our new church (another example of perfect timing), and worked to develop routines for a healthy me, marriage + home life. That was all.

I just worked to live life in the way that I wanted to live it. Strong, focused, faithful, and fruitful. In essence, I pressed forward in the race.

It proved to be the right strategy because slowly my frustration dissipated and I started noticing gratefulness bubbling to the surface. As the hymn goes, I had turned my eyes to Jesus and all the things of earth had grown strangely dim.

Even crazier, I had started to develop compassion for my human offender. [say whaaaaa?!?] That’s right I started having a soft heart towards Zera. It was small at first. Just the simple act of “cooling off”. Then, that grew towards compassion.

During the majority of this war, most people wanted to label Zera as pure evil. The devil himself. I do believe that there are evil people in this world. But, I kept having the nagging feeling that she wasn’t evil. Just broken. Like, severely broken.

This pulling back of my reigns and different view of Zera was something that only came from the Lord. Everything in my flesh said to go along with the evil label. But, the Spirit in me was saying ‘no’.

Hallelujah, my heart was showing those bless-ed signs of healing. God is good.

Training Plan

While grateful for a tender heart and the caring feelings that were growing towards Zera, all of this swoony compassion still didn’t help me settle why this was happening.

On Sept 4, 2023, through the course of my reading plan, God showed me Jeremiah 12:5-6 which finally gave me some resolve as to why all of this was allowed to happen.

“If you have raced with men on foot, and they have wearied you,
    how will you compete with horses?
And if in a safe land you are so trusting,
    what will you do in the thicket of the Jordan?

For even your brothers and the house of your father,
    even they have dealt treacherously with you;
    they are in full cry after you;
do not believe them,
    though they speak friendly words to you.” Jeremiah 12:5-6

I learned through these verses that I was in training. I have run a slew of life’s races and crossed the finish line only mildly scathed. But, I hadn’t run with the big dogs yet. Or according to this verse, horses. While I’d like to believe that I’ve hiked through plenty of unsafe territory I haven’t. I’ve really only traversed safe land.

I’ve had thieves at my door scooping up minor items but never have I had someone steal the volume of what has been taken this time around.

I’ve been betrayed by friends but not by family and not like this.

I’ve been stretched but I needed to be stretched some more.

In a nutshell, God used this chapter of ‘the war’ to refine me. I learned that there was a FALLOW GROUND in me that needed to be turned. Churning needed to happen so that good seed wasn’t wasted.

And boy, that good seed was about to sprout its beautiful seedling just a mere 2 weeks later…. Stay tuned.

“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:18-19

My disclaimers… I must, for the purposes of this story, tell some of the grimy details. This is MY life’s story, after all. But, it’s going to be difficult for me to articulate this in such a way as to protect the human who’s involved with the enemy’s work and yet tell how evil has done its best here. So, forgive me if there are bits and bobs that seem unclear.

I will not share the name of this person or her relationship with me. I refuse to slander this person and call her out publically. I will not go into depth about the sins she’s committed but will touch on them enough that my readers feel some brevity of what’s happened.

As a final word: I ask my readers to keep their eyes on the Lord throughout this story. Because ultimately, that’s who I’m writing about. Not my enemy in human form. Not the “tea” of the story. God, and God alone, is who this story is about.

For the past couple of decades, there has been a woman in my life that I’ve suspected hasn’t liked me very much. We will call her “Zera”. Zera has been in close proximity to me and yet has kept her distance leaving me with just that… suspicions but no confirmations. But, in the last few years, my suspicions were abundantly confirmed. She has a genuine hatred for me.

A few years ago, an opportunity arose for Zera to have a sort of worldly control over me. A position of authority over my (and someone else’s) material possessions. She spoke of how she would do things right + well so, we cautiously trusted her to be honest with their handling. Unfortunately, she stole that which was ours.

Hindsight 20/20, I shouldn’t have been surprised. I did have my suspicions, right? But, to steal from the other person involved whom she, by all appearances, had a liking for was confusing. Why would she do that?

From there it got much worse. In the aftermath, Zera turned her aggression solely to me. She told me lies meant to cut me deeply. I really wish I could give more detail here but I can’t other than to say that I believe the lies were meant to be stabs. She hates me and the words were her attempts to grasp at anything that would make me hurt. I believe she’s had pent-up anger and wanted me to be brought low.

Zera moved on from me and began slandering me to my loved ones. Somehow, she convinced them that I was in the wrong because I was… let’s say… “extra”. I will insert here that, throughout this ordeal, I sought counsel from my spouse, my counselor, trusted friends who will not mince words with me, and trusted family members. I did this for accountability and I’m glad I didn’t try to fight this war alone. No one believed any of my own words or actions were inappropriate or outside of the bounds of my rights to protect myself, my household, and my lost possessions. In fact, there was some feedback that I was being too docile.

I will gladly admit to standing for the truth. But, I was not in any way “extra”. If you don’t know what that means, it implies that I was inappropriate, dramatic, wrong, a stirrer of trouble, etc. Think “Desperate Housewives”. That’s not me. But, more on this later…

She told lies about me to my loved ones and unfortunately, some of them believed her. Because my name and reputation were slandered, I lost relationships and have some that are forever altered.

That was almost two years ago. Since then, Zera has changed her position so that she is not speaking to me. As her control over my possessions grew and ceased to relent, I felt I needed to offer her the opportunity to air her grievances. There’s a saying, “you can’t make everyone happy”. I know this and there will be people to whom I’m not their cuppa tea. That’s OK. But, this is different. To hate someone so much that you steal from them, speak lies to their face, and then turn their family against them is another level of hatred.

So, I wrote her a letter.

In my suspicions over the years, I thought maybe I had offended her, hurt her, or rejected her myself. Perhaps that is why she didn’t care for me? It’s the only thing I could think of. So, I opened up to her about my past and weaknesses in my personality. I made it clear that if I had offended her or hurt her in any way to please tell me so that I can make it right. I would apologize if there was a reason to or at the very least explain.

Again, for accountability, I shared the letter with my spouse and three additional family members.

Over a year has gone by and still no answer to my letter.

Now two years into this war, I am a woman who wore her spiritual armor [Ephesians 6:10-20] during a multitude of battles and still does. It has been His hands alone that have kept me upright and the Psalms written by David have been immensely comforting.

My trust in the Lord during this war has been unmoveable and yet challenged. I’ve questioned why this happened. I’ve had to reconcile my heart towards the family members who believed the lies. But, also been reminded over and over that God sustained me in the war and still to this day is teaching me all about this human “enemy” of mine named “Zera”…

How will God heal this heart of mine and how can I ever forgive a person for stealing my possessions, my reputation, and my loved ones? That is about to be made clear… stay tuned…

Woman at the Well: Fallow Ground (Part Two)

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.” Ephesians 6:10-13

I’ve found myself disappointed and out of sorts.

Mainly because I didn’t set some needed boundaries. One disappointment is that I haven’t written a single blog post this whole year. They were very scant before that, too. Another is that I haven’t promoted my creative juices to “flow”. As an amateur writer, I’ve learned that my writing is best done within the confines of life boundaries. Those boundaries in essence create a sanctuary for my creativity to thrive. Boundaries have not been my strong suit for a while and my creativity has died a tumultuous death since the onslaught of many obligations and struggles.

Plus, this year alone has brought many challenges. My mother spent significant time in the hospital earlier this year. It was my first go at a parent being ill enough for my sister and me to worry. Later in 2020, my father suffered a heart attack, bypass surgery, and related complications.

Also, for the last several months, I have been walking through the valley of the shadow of death in my personal life – a faith walk that I cannot share at this time. I’ve got another family member waiting for their open-heart surgery scheduled next week (they wish to remain anonymous). And last but not least, just recently, I’ve had another suspected miscarriage. No way to confirm it at this point but all of the physical signs were there. We infertiles know our body, do we not?

This is just 2020’s list.

Year 2019 wasn’t as bad but did receive Reserve Champion as the “The Worst Year Ever”.

It’s been far too complicated for far too long and… I want to start over.

This time with firmer boundaries and more intentionality towards my future.

Lifestyle Over Striving

By now, I usually have my goals list in bullet-point, printed, laminated, and taped or tacked somewhere I can see it regularly. But, this year I have no such list. This failure wasn’t intentional but for some reason, it just hasn’t happened. Maybe it’s because 2020 allowed me to experience the consequences of living a self-confident life. A life that is described in James 4:13-16. We truly don’t know what tomorrow will bring and maybe intentional living for me this year should look more spontaneous? More like living a Proverbs 16:9 life instead?

Maybe instead of an ambitious list of random things I want or need to do, I should turn my focus towards sowing better lifestyle choices. Perhaps a more stable quality of life should be the foundational goal that would allow for success in the grander picture.

No point in striving after goals if the tools with which to strive don’t exist.

For me, those tools are physical, mental, & spiritual health, enjoyment of my primary work, and solid relationships. I believe the first step to all of these is to be a little less stringent, unforgiving, and tight-timed; Choosing instead to be a little more flexible, forgiving, and having ample allowance of buffers.

The Lord has taught me that I am not superwoman nor am I indestructible. I’m quite tender actually and simply can’t do it all. The older I get the more this reality comes into view. How arrogant I’ve been to live life as though everything and everyone is my responsibility!

Here are a few general lifestyle choices I will be working on for now. There are plenty of “to-do” items, goals, etc. that are running through my head but I simply refuse to get cracking on them until I get a better foundation built.

Design a Reading Nook

I am entirely too distracted when it comes to quiet time. I’ve been pretty good about working towards daily bible study time but have also learned that if the news gets turned on or I am in the company of people it just doesn’t happen. I need a quiet corner in my home to hide in. So, I will be creating a space just for reading and journaling. I need God, His Truth, His wisdom, His Word. Period.

Fiction & Autobiography for Fun

Every start to the new year is like a bull fresh out of the gate. I am a bookkeeper by day and thus this month brings all the chaos I could imagine. For the next month or two or three, I will read fiction & autobiography as a way to escape. My brain is fried by 5pm and attempting to soak up convicting nonfiction or any other written work that requires brain cells just doesn’t work for me.

My picks for winter 2021 are…

The Return by Nicholas Sparks

This Time Next Year by Sophie Cousens

Good Husbandry by Kristin Kimball

Be Heart Healthy

My dad’s heart surgery as well as having several blood relatives who’ve had open heart surgery has jolted me. I’ve always desired to live a healthy lifestyle – I grow & eat lots of produce, I run, etc. But, I feel it necessary to take it to the next level. Because I generally eat a healthy diet I know one of the greatest enemies to my health is that I’m just not active enough. Full-time desk job. That’s all there is to it. Not much I can do about it at the moment… so, I’ve ordered a standing desk. If I HAVE to be at the desk I mind as well stand. Amirite? I am super excited about this one.

Here is the desk I’ve ordered from Amazon.

I’m also looking at dietary tweaks that promote a healthy heart. Hence, the Mediterranean Diet book and a stash of walnuts. No, I’m not being super stringent about a diet. But, I am looking at different food choices that are proven to promote heart health.

Lastly, I’m also monitoring my heart rate via a running watch to learn how my heart is performing at rest as well as during my runs.

No Air Conditioning

I’m sitting here on the sofa in our newly renovated house… well, phase one is mostly done anyways… It’s technically autumn but you wouldn’t know it because the forecast is calling for temperatures in the mid-nineties this week. Our house doesn’t have air conditioning except for one lonely window unit in our bedroom.

We’ve hemmed and hawed over what type of heating and cooling equipment to install but none of the options synced with our “let’s do this as debt-free as possible” ambition. So, hot and humid our house be. Come winter, I’m not so sure. I just may be sleeping in multilayers of clothes. Virginia is a hot, southern state. However, winters can be just as brutally cold.

Ya know, it could be worse. I could be living without my fan blowing in my face. That would be roughing it for sure.

Plague of Flies

Today I made some chicken leg quarters with greens, potatoes, and mushrooms in the crockpot. As is customary, anytime I make a crockpot meal all of the flies in the county migrate my direction and settle themselves on the sides of my house. Only this time, having not completed all of the necessary tasks in our reno, the flies made it into the house and are now swarming our personal space. Fabulous.

That’s ok. Nothing my disdain of flies and a Dyson can’t take care of.

I’m Fat, Old, & Immobile

After spending the last week moving, I decided to primarily work on my day job as a bookkeeper. Give the ol’ feet and ankles some rest. It’s insane how out of shape I am. I never seem to remember that just because I am working at something, doesn’t mean it’s a physically healthy something. I can be productive in one area at the sacrifice of another. In this case, I am hyper-productive at bringing in an income towards our household budget but at the cost of my physical health. You can tell me all day long, ‘Jil, ya just gotta go for a run after work’. I learned that this doesn’t matter. That working out for an hour or so doesn’t make up for sitting for 9-11 hours plus night time sitting. A consistent mobile lifestyle is best.

But, after spending months in prayer asking the Lord to open doors for me to exit out of bookkeeping… or anything that requires a ton of sitting behind a desk for that matter… He patiently, lovingly, and firmly said something to the tune of, ‘Nah, girl, I’m not done with the skills I’ve given you yet.’

So, I trust that His ways are better than mine.

Desert Lands

Midday I noticed the water pressure slowly fading. What started out as a shower full of pressure this morning ended with drips when I went to clean up some dinner dishes.

Yep, no water.

And yep, I’m still talking about the same day as the swarm of flies, no a/c, and an overly sore body from living a sedentary lifestyle.

But, God is good. All the time. Because of this, I choose joy.

You Will Run & Not Grow Weary

I’m contemplating how disappointing so much of this is and yet I find my soul just itching to keep my heart from sinking into a whiney funk. Let’s face it, everything I’ve mentioned is a first world problem.

How can I wallow in complaint at a few things that are so small in the grand scheme of things? The water will be fixed. The flies will eventually be gone. The heat & humidity in our home has lightened up even in the small space of time I’ve been typing this out (it’s now 9pm and the sun has disappeared behind the trees).

As for my feet? God did allow the invention of… well, I would have typed “an Epsom salt bath” but how can that happen without water??? So, He allowed the invention of Advil for when the going gets really tough. Ha!

I am truly ashamed of our culture here in America. We’ve become so out of touch with reality while we live in our own little world. Lacking joy. Dependent upon happiness found in temporal things, conveniences, and circumstances. No one ever said that following the Lord would be easy. In fact, the common misconception is that life will indeed be easier. It is not. Nothing about this life is easy.

What I have despite my circumstances is joy and peace because of my faith and salvation. It’s a promised gift that is ripe for the taking. If you so choose to take it.

Brooks and I knew there would be sacrifices. We knew that moving into a home without modern conveniences would be a tough adjustment. In our minds, we were prepared and ready. But, now that the struggles stemming from living here have begun, it’s time we slip on those shoes of peace knowing that He works all things for the good of those who love Him.

He is molding us into perfect completion all the way through until His work is done. That perhaps this is indeed a test. A test of our faith. A test of our commitment to Him, to each other, and to the concepts of trust, joy, and faith.

Our responsibility is to choose joy, trust Him in the dark and when we can’t see all of the details, even when our feet hurt, we’re covered in flies, water is nowhere to be found, and no cool escape from the southern heat.

Times have changed.

Brooks and I don’t have plans for further attempts at having children. We’ve done all that is in our power and today’s medical treatments are very harsh on the body. The injections, the hormones, the stress, the waiting, the wondering, the bleeding, the loss. We’ve lived through it all a few times over. It didn’t work and we are ok with that. Disappointed, yes. But, not all is lost. God is still on His throne and is still at work. Our not pursuing further treatments is for a variety of reasons.

I’ve always had joy and trusted that the Lord would work on my behalf. But, the type of trust I needed to grab hold of is the kind that allows me to naturally let go. An authentic release. Like a child whose hands are grasping the side of a pool while her dad is coaxing her into the water, I had to have the kind of trust that knows my dad will not let me drown. I trusted God in general but it was time to let go of that pool wall.

That’s where I am now. He has shown me there is a different work to be faith filled and excited about. It’s not infertility focused. But, something else.

Where Do We Go From Here?

You know how I’ve always said “do kingdom work”? If you come to me with your woes, that’s my response. When you’re waiting on an answer to prayer, do kingdom work. When your world has been crushed, love others well. When you are disappointed in your circumstances, serve God. It’s that simple.

I was reminded of my own words recently when my pastor preached that same concept. Hearing it from the mouth of someone else was like everything came full circle after the hardships of these last 4 years.

Revival of this blog is one area of newness and dedication to kingdom work. But, like the ever changing times we live in, the message and focus is taking a new direction.

Therefore, the future of this blog is going to look different. There will be more content of our day to day lives renovating a mission house (yep, the one shown in these photos), expanding a farm business, and honoring the Lord in it all. Focus on my faith will remain unchanged in my writing.

A House Built for Ministry

Now that Brooks and I aren’t honed in on trying to make a baby, one area of focus is opening our future home for ministry. There will be a separate blog post about our mission house explaining all that the Lord is doing there. It’s scary, very stressful, and bigger than we could have ever imagined. I still don’t know all that will be done there (nor how it will get done). But, I am excited.

The Farm

Secondly, we’ve decided to expand our farm business. We recently bought out a local farm and it’s meant huge change for ThorneBrook Farms. Crazy things are happening in the life of this farm wife which I know is why the Lord has settled my heart and is working on the revival of my work.

Brooks and I defined our life as F.O.M. which stands for Farm.Overland.Mission. Two of those areas are on fire. Everyday is a busy one facilitating the happenings of Farm and Mission. I’m still waiting on the Overland part. Traveling is hard to do when you have 230+ cattle under your care. To be honest that is a corner of my heart that needs contentment. Which leads me to my third focus.

Extraordinary Faith

A life lived for the Lord. I want to share not just all that the Lord is doing in these areas of our work but also my life as a woman after God’s heart. When I cry I want you to know why the tears are there and how God is working. When I laugh I want you to know the source of it. When I sit in awe I want you to see what I see.

It’s Not About That

What my blog won’t contain in the future are stories and happenings of a life seeking pregnancy and child rearing. That season is over. It’s now time to talk about thriving in a life I didn’t choose; a child-free one.

Don’t miss the fact that I said ‘child-free’ as opposed to ‘childless’. This is a glass half full, I’m going to live wholeheartedly free, trusting in God moment. I’m 35. Still young in age but now older when it comes to fertility. Anything is possible. Certainly, if the Lord should surprise us, I will let you know… after Brooks, my sister, and family, of course.

So, sit back, relax, and join me in celebrating all that He has done, is continuing to do, and will be doing in the days, weeks, and years to come.

All of it For the Love of Joy brought on by our Hope. I can’t wait to tell you more…

I logged into my blog account this morning to take down a few words, get some plug-in updates done, and check in on things when I saw it…

my last post was dated June 5th 2018. Wait, what!?!? A whole year has gone by and I haven’t written anything.

The truth? It started out as writer’s block which led to my praying about shutting down the blog. I figured this part of my ministry was over but the Lord never gave me clarity on that notion. So, I just let my website simmer.

Then, that turned swiftly into an unexpected chapter of God’s work in His garden. By that, I mean pruning. If you’re a gardener you know that when pruning a branch it leaves a spot that’s open and raw. It takes time for it to callus over. That has been me for the latter part of this process. Damaged, raw, exposed, and yet, unbeknownst to me, in a much better state with the promise of new growth to come.

These notes from one of my bibles say it best [John 15:2}:

‘Jesus made a distinction between two kinds of pruning:… Separating and… Cutting Back. Fruitful branches are cut back to promote growth. In other words, God must sometimes discipline us to strengthen our character and faith. But, branches that don’t bear fruit are cut off at the trunk because not only are they worthless, but they often infect the rest of the tree.”

About the time of my last post in summer 2018, I knew God was leading me into a dark and difficult time of life. I knew He was about to prune up the work that was being done in and through me molding me more & more into the image of Christ as He promised to do. To be honest, I was scared and excited at once. I knew there were some aspects of my life that were not fitting into where I was headed. I needed to get rid of them.

But, I didn’t expect pruning in other areas and THAT’S where things got painfully difficult. I was blindsided and it pushed me into a depression so thick it was hard to breathe. In my faith walk, I’ve never doubted my existence. But, that’s the brevity of what happened. The loss of those corners of my world were hard to let go of.

Reasons for this specific pruning and cutting varied. Some of it made me realize I was forgetting God in those spaces. Some of it I found innocence on my part but it was a portion of my life that was doing me and the work no good. Some because I was duped and misled and God hated that. And some were the closing of good things but were not necessary for our next chapter.

That last one makes me think of Paul in his missionary journeys; remembering those who helped him, loved on him, and he had fond memories of. But, these things and/or people were not needed for his next work. They were now experiences for encouragement and remembrance.

It took a year for me to move through that process of pruning and cutting back and then to even marginally recover from it. I guess you could call it a sabbatical. Though I think that term usually has a more positive perception to it. Like it’s a vacation. But, that’s not what this was. I’ve been waiting for the Lord to restore my ministry work. It’s time.

So, here I sit with words to write, excitement to share, and words of wisdom to impart. I am eager to get going, to get back into my grind, pray for you, hear your experiences, and push back the darkness of this world that so easily ensnares us.

I am fearing another season of change. One that I don’t want to happen and I’m clinging to every bit of hope that it won’t happen. It brings me to tears at the sheer thought of it. My fear is that God will lead me away from writing. The thing in my life I have found every inch of my being loves to do.

This blog has been my ministry for the last several years and it helped me to discover a passion that I didn’t know existed. At least not before I was actually brave enough to do it.

I was that little girl who watched PBS growing up like my life depended on it. The farm gal that one day in her PBS binge saw a program about a little boy whose same love of books led him to start a library in his parents’ basement – complete with a check out system and everything. Next thing I knew, I had a library in my room. Anyone was welcome to come and check out a book. Though I never had any visitors.

Before this blog, I nerded out on books, libraries, and bookstores. I worked at my local Barnes & Noble during college and I tell ya it’s the only job I’ve had that I would do again in a heartbeat!… if only they’d pay me more… I’ve got a hungry farmer and pet sheep to feed.

Aaannndd, if you know me in person, you know that I, too, can really throw down some grub. Y’all that’s why I have to eat kale… so I can maintain some form of healthy in my gluttonous nature. Our grocery budget if left unchecked tops out at $800 for two people… That’s another blog post but long story short, I’ve gotten that in check. We’re now running around $400 per month. Whew!

Writing is and has been ingrained in me from the start and it was destined by God that after His preparing me with a love of books, literary related jobs, a story to tell, and the perfect Gospel of Christ to base all of it on that He led me to then put pen to paper and fingertips to keyboard. I never experienced the dreaded writer’s block until about a year and a half ago when due to depression and health issues all inspired hope left me and I had nothing to write about… nothing that was happy & joyful anyways. God sure got an earful in my private journals. It’s a good thing He’s patient and loves me so.

The strange thing is that, all along, I’ve had a deep desire to write, even through the worst times when words wouldn’t articulate themselves into cohesive sentences. My soul longs to share the Gospel in this format, tell my story of faith, and hopefully watch others be strengthened from my little existence. It’s my mark on this world and how I love to put some good in it. It’s my form of expression of the light of Christ on a hilltop. It’s my thaaang!

I have so much to say but fear that I won’t be able to. I have so much love and encouragement to spread but am scared that God will never use me to share it. That it will be locked away in my heart forever. See that? Stinkn’ Thinkn’.

I know better and I bet you do, too.

I’ve come to understand this is a season of stillness and not the ending of an era.

It’s just a lull. A break. The pause to a great movie while you grab a snack.

I am certain there are things you fear in life, too. Not fear of sharks kind of fear. But, emotional and relational type fears. The kind that keeps you from doing Kingdom Work. The kind that make you turn your head or run in the opposite direction when God invites you to work. The fear that somehow you will never amount to much. That you’ll never be enough. That you’ll never do anything important. Or, like in my situation, that your season of doing awesome stuff for God will be no more. The fear of Him asking you to do something you don’t want to do. Maybe He is. Or maybe He’s still using you in the same way but is driving you to a different location.

I LOVE this thing God has called me to do. [Writing]

I LOVE where God is leading me. [The mission field]

I LOVE the places that God is calling Brooks and I to go. [Cumberland, Guatemala, & beyond]

I LOVE that in my frozen state of fear & confusion He tells me to capture my thoughts [2 Corinthians 10:5], think on things that are pure, lovely, and godly [Philippians 4:8], and remind myself of where He last had me.

He last had me writing and was turning my head to our next chapter. He promises to equip. He promises to never leave me.

“…being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

Planning for the future is hard. Next chapter’s structure, funding said next chapter, God throwing instruction into my plans, doing life with another person… it all is hard to manage and get flowing into the same direction.

It doesn’t help when you enter the new year with a plan of action, budget in place only to hit hurdle after hurdle after hurdle after hurdle.

Yes, I had to keep going with the ‘hurdles’ because that’s been our life this year thus far. As you know, I wrote this post about our financial planning for 2018. It’s been good and on point for the most part.

Except for those dang hurdles…

Some of which are more permanent or long-term hurdles than short, quick speed bumps. Which means… back to the drawing board I go.

Budgeting for us has never been cut and dry. We plan and plan but inevitably we always end up restructuring and thus reprinting my Excel spreadsheets used for monthly management.  Annoying…

But, with each reprinting my heart has me to focus on the why. Why am I having to reprint? It’s change for sure. But, why?

This blog is all about JOY. How to find it. How to keep it. How to share it. It’s my life-song, so to speak. So, let’s dig into the JOY aspect of clicking ‘reprint’.

Reprints for us this year are from a broken laptop ($1100), extra taxes from the sale of a piece of land ($xxx…..), a decision to go to Guatemala ($3000), needed projects at our new farm ($xxx…), and new tires for my truck ($1000).

It adds up quick…

I am reprinting because things are changing.

Things are changing because God’s hand is so integrated into our real life.

God to us isn’t just some unseen being in the sky. He is our Creator, our Provider, our Father [which art in Heaven]. He has dominion over the whole earth all the way down into the weeds of our life. The Holy Spirit makes this ever so real. First, with the guilt experienced in our sins. But, then too, with the directional changes of life.

I begin to move one way and Spirit-led I then change course. And then comes the ‘reprint’.

Tackle Them With JOY Bombs

Reprint Reason 1 – I thought for sure we would be squirreling away money like crazy this year as we are called to do (Proverbs 6:6). But, these new expenses are killing that dream…

JOY Bomb 1 – I need not fret because our Lord is providing for every stitch of these needs. And the ones not completely funded just yet, I know, will be.

Reprint Reason 2 – God has called Brooks and I to go to Guatemala costing us $3,000.

JOY Bomb 2 – I get to go to Guatemala… Yippy! And secondly, God doesn’t call into something without having a plan to equip and provide. Amen!

Reprint Reason 3 – We bought a farm that needs work. It’s abandoned actually which is like a magnet for delinquents to mess with it causing further damage.

JOY Bomb 3 – God gave us a peace beyond understanding about this place and we are so excited to take it on. He knows the need and will provide for it… and hopefully keep the mischievous kids in the area distracted by some other shiny object… like getting a job, kids!

Reprint 4 – Broken laptop.

JOY Bomb 4 – I need a computer because I have a fantastic job allowing me to work from home while providing for my family. Also, that job is an integral part of God’s plan for our next chapter… and this one we’re currently in, too.

Reprint 5 – Increase in taxes this year from sale of land. No matter how much we planned for this it is still a very large and distasteful pill to swallow.

JOY Bomb 5 –  If you’re unfamiliar, requirements for land purchases are different from standard residential loans. The profits from our sale allowed us to put a sizable down payment on the new farm. The amount of proceeds happened to be everything we needed for the required down payment on the new land. Coincidence? I think not. God is in the details.

Refocus: Because God is Right On Time

When you’re having to click reprint, know this: you are not alone in your disappointments. We all have reprints. Our budgets are ALWAYS changing and it’s likely for good reason. A God-given reason.

So, look up and take notice of how God is working. I don’t know why all of these things are happening in our life. BUT, I can say that I have a small view of where God is taking Brooks and I. And let me tell you, having a new, updated laptop will help. Having a homestead farm with lots of land to roam will help. Going into the mission field will give me new perspective and experience which will definitely play a part in our next chapter.

All of these hurdles are on purpose. I know it. God isn’t making a mistake. He actually on point.

This girl’s candle typically blows out between 9:30 and 10pm. The fight usually begins around 8:30pm, though. That moment when my eyes start heavily drooping and my mind flirts with the R.E.M. cycle.

Sleep hasn’t come easy lately. I don’t exactly know why but I’m suspicious it’s a season of change for me. I find myself approaching 10:30, 11pm and I’m still. ah. WAKE! This morning, after starting to snooze at about 10pm, I woke up for good at… 2:00am…

I slowly rolled out of bed as not to wake Brooksie, crept downstairs, grabbed a glass of water, and sat down at my desk to work on my day job as a bookkeeper [I will be writing a series of posts on working from home soon enough!].

It’s now 7pm and my body is screaming, ‘Enough, already!’

But, ya know what? I’ve needed some days like this. Up ridiculously early [and I repeat… ridiculously early….], devotions and quiet time prosperous, hearty breakfast, and lots of productivity at work and home. Done!

How did that happen? And for a few days in a row? With no sleep???

I don’t know how it’s possible only to say this, the Lord sustains us in our every need.

He gives strength to my hands and alertness to my eyes as I take on more clients at work while balancing all that we do here. I have no explanation to how it all gets done except by His grace alone in giving me stamina as it’s depleted.

A few weeks ago, after a bit of disappointment, confusion, and unrest in my soul, my heart was brought back to life with this verse:

My beloved spake, and said unto me, ‘Rise up, my love,… and come away. For lo, the winter is past the rain is over and gone.’

Sweet medicine to a soul, amen?

In this season of more work and less time to do any of it, I see God working in mighty ways to sustain me. Even in the wee hours of the morning when I’m so, so sleepy, I discover an abundance of energy. Selah

A friend of mine once spoke of this in her season as a new, working mom. She, too, was so sleepy and yet found overwhelming energy to somehow take on the sleepless nights, long work days, and the hard but short evenings with family. I loved her testimony she shared some 7 years ago. I still remember it even now as I walk to through a similar season of sleeplessness. {Thank you Christina G. xoxo}

I’ve also had this deep, deep void in my soul to get back to life with my sistas. Sistas being my women feverishly after God’s heart. If I could insert a big ol’ heart right here I would.

My women folk. The older ones. The younger ones. The besties. The ones with lots of common ground. Or perhaps none at all. The ones that are relentless at holding me accountable. And the ones who shoot straight with me. I need ya. All of ya. Especially the ones that want to talk Bible allll daaaay loooong.

I’m craving His word; testimonies of His miracles. I don’t want small talk. I want deep conversations with His people. I’m constantly wanting more of Him specifically through fellowship with His people. It’s hard to find friendship like that who are in the same place you are.

Anyone else walk through seasons like this? If so, wait on the Lord. He knows exactly where you are and what you need, what you crave, and with whom you crave it.

Where ever and whatever state you find yourself in, know that God promises to be with you (Deut 31:6). He promises to show you things you don’t know when you seek Him (Jeremiah 33:3). He will strengthen you (Psalm 27:14).

And don’t forget to surround yourself with your sistas. Especially, the older, wiser ones that crave the Word as much as you and more.

I can hardly wait.