I’ve gone back and forth about writing this post for a few reasons. First, there are components of my faith and personal walk with the Lord that are private. There are prayers that I pray, convictions that I work through, and even celebrations that will remain between He and I. I’ve wondered if God’s words to me about seeking medical intervention were just for me.

Secondly, coinciding with the first reason, while I want to encourage women and couples in their own journey I didn’t fully trust that some who came across my blog (especially if I don’t know you and your faith) would read my post and use it as a rationalization for them to seek treatments. I know how us infertiles can get. We look for any reason and approval to do something that maybe we ought not.

Actually, that’s all humans. We are self-serving like that.

While I believe my walk to be as solid as I can humanly make it, I didn’t want my journey to be that shiny object for someone to blindly run after.

Our journeys don’t look the same. Similar maybe. But, they will always have varying reasons for certain moves and our specific steps won’t be identical.

So, as a disclaimer of sorts, I want to share with you my heart’s decision for seeking consult for the infertility we were walking through. But, know that you need to minister to your personal relationship with the Lord, your walk with Him, and give plenty of time for prayer, bible study, and conversation with those who know you and the Lord best.

I advise you to pray Jeremiah 33:3 – one of my FAVORITE of God’s promises – and in faith believe Him for an answer.

Here we go.

The First Nine Years

For the first 9 years of my walk through this fiery trial I didn’t move a medical muscle. I didn’t complete any treatments nor did I seek consulting for why we hadn’t gotten pregnant after trying for so long. Yes, we had plenty of head tilts. In some cases, even my own head was tilting in wonderment of why I was not feeling led to seek medical advice.

But, the truth is, I never heard the Lord say “go”. As our border collie herding livestock, I remained steady while I waited for my God to say the word. But, you better believe I was poised and ready… just like my dog.

It was difficult.

I wrestled with God on a few occasions about the subject but had peace that I was in His will. Peace that surpasses all understanding. During this season of waiting, I had plenty of time to pray and meditate on His word and our situation.

All while I was being obedient in waiting, I really wanted our miracle to be just that – a miracle. I daydreamed of the awe that I and others would have when the Lord would answer our prayer in the way I had in my mind. When I would wake up one day and realize my period was late. I’d run to the bathroom for a pregnancy test to find that coveted, tiny + sign.

I didn’t want to go the IVF and medical route and my heart leaped with joy at the thought of nothing being able to take the glory from God’s hands. A miracle like that would have no explanation other than the Lord’s work.

Those were exciting dreams.

But, that miracle hadn’t come and I start wondering why God wasn’t answering in this specific way.

Weren’t my desires for a miracle pregnancy the best He could expect?

Shouldn’t the Lord honor such a request and heart?

I was left confused and wondering what I was missing in this scenario.

The Fast

Summer of 2014, after almost nine years of waiting and wondering, I was growing antsy. If the answer was a ‘no’ then I wanted to know that so I could work on releasing hope and move on. Knowing God created us to not be idle, I didn’t want to sit around waiting for something that wasn’t going to come. I spent A LOT more time in prayer and seeking His will.

Still, I was left sitting in the dark about our future.

At the end of August 2014, I was wrapping up our annual beach vacation and suddenly felt this urgent need to fast and pray. I had decided the fasting part would be a Whole30 and I would start September 1st, allowing a week to prepare, meal plan, buy food, etc.

But, God spoke to my heart and said ‘this can’t wait’.

So, without much preparation, I met Him as I was; unprepared but ready to do my best.

My fast continued from the last week of August 2014 through the third week of September 2014. Those were the most profound moments I’ve had with the Lord and there were never any dull times of prayer and study. In fact, most times of study and prayer ended with tears.

The Message Was Clear

God had specific words for me. The first was His firm encouragement that we were not walking through this because of sin. He was allowing us to walk through this specifically with others in mind and our personal growth.

That one broke me down literally in an instant. I had a peace that we were not being “punished” for mistakes made. My belief is based on faith that I am forgiven by the blood of Christ but, to hear the words straight from the Lord and for the Holy Spirit to move in the way that He did… wow…!

The very moment He spoke those words of freedom to me I cried a big ugly cry of happiness that last several minutes. A burden had been lifted and I was free.

A Doctor’s Note

The second message spoken during the fast was God’s peace to move forward with medical help.

Remember, I hadn’t sought medical intervention for two reasons – because I truly felt the Lord saying ‘no’ and I had wanted so badly to be patient and wait for God to perform the miracle I had in mind.

During my fast, the Lord had me focused on the book of John. Fantastic reading by the way. If you’re at a loss on where to read next in scripture, start working your way through John.

Anyhow, peace to seek medical help came through John 9. After God had used 9:3 to release my heart from the burden of sin I continued on reading.

Verses 6-7 made me realize I had been living out the sin of pride in a way I’d never recognized before. All this time…

I had decided how He would work.

I set His parameters.

I resolved how this miracle was going to go down…

I was playing a fool.

John 9 tells the story of a blind man that Jesus healed. I don’t know about you but most of the time when I think of Jesus healing I think of miraculous healing. As in, He speaks the words and it is done.

Poof.

But, that’s not what happened in this account.

Jesus created mud and smeared it on the blind man’s eyes. Then He instructed the man to walk to a pool called Sent to wash it off. At that point, he would be healed.

Remember when I said everyone’s story is different? In other passages, Jesus brought instant healing. But, in this case, He didn’t.

God chooses His method of healing and somewhere inside of me I knew this truth but I wasn’t truly believing it. This moment of conviction made me realize just how prideful I’d been in placing God in a box and praying that He would act in the way I had ordered.

All for His glory of course… I mean I had good intentions. I wanted God to have all the glory and for my arms to be full at the same time.

Was that so much to ask? Wasn’t that noble of me to assume of the Lord?

Pride.

I had been so desperate to protect and honor God’s name that I forfeited actual obedience.

It was time to have an open heart to whatever avenue God chose to work in and through me and to trust His will. It was time I got out of my own way.

Getting Ready to Walk Blindfolded

The blind man had to walk to this pool… well blind! But, in faith, he was obedient to Jesus’ words.

Naaman, at the words of Elisha, walked some 30 miles to be healed of leprosy. {see 2 Kings 5:1-15}

Little did I know that my own blind travels meant starting a blog, being transparent way more than I thought I’d be, a round of IUI, IVF, a FET, a miscarriage, and MTHFR. I’m not even done yet. How far all of these things equate to is beyond me. Maybe all of that is only 10 miles in. Maybe it’s 20 miles. Or maybe it’s 29 and I’ve only a mile to go.

There’s no telling. I’m blindfolded. Or as I’ve sometimes said, I’ve only got elbow’s length view into all of this.

It doesn’t matter though. God has given a peace that gets me through all of it. He’s given me His word that, if I am obedient in meditating day and night in it, will bring knowledge, wisdom, and open doors that were meant to open just for me.

I just have to place my trust Him. Trust His will for my life. Trust that if I am obedient to meditate on His word day and night that it may even call me out when I am wrong but point me in the right direction.

For you who is considering IVF or other medical intervention, don’t stop at this post. Turn now to His word, seek Him in prayer & fasting. Delight yourself in the Lord.

I know, because of faith & experience, that Jeremiah 33:3 isn’t a lie. Answers may not come right away. But, they WILL come. Don’t lose heart. And don’t stop being obedient just because it’s not the answer you want.

Edited: Nov 11 2017