An Empty Womb: What My Life Looks Like Without Children

One of the aspects of infertility that I am stark-raving passionate about is ‘living life outside of infertility’.

For the first few years of this journey, I went kicking and screaming about not having control over my wanting children. I had plans to start a family and when it didn’t happen I threw a life sized hissy fit. My every waking moment was focused on waiting for a positive pregnancy test. The sad part is that I missed out on so much life during those years.

I genuinely regret the years that I’ve lost. I won’t get those opportunities and moments back. They’re gone for good.

I’d been reading Kingdom Woman by Tony Evans and got to a section about single womanhood. Usually I blow right past sections like these because, hello(!), I’m married! But, for some reason, I was feeling a nudge to read it.

About a paragraph in I knew exactly why. Yes, the section talked about singles. But, dog-gone, there is an important lesson in those pages that absolutely applies to barrens and, y’all, I JUST HAD TO SHARE IT WITH YOU!

Below is a portion of those pages as it is written.

The moment you become distracted by the idea of singlehood being nonfulfilling – on desiring or chasing after a mate rather than waiting on God’s plan for your life (whether or not that includes a mate) – you have let your singlehood get in the way of God’s purpose. In fact, you have let your singlehood get in the way of God’s kingdom and your well-being because you have chosen to spend your time thinking about, feeling frustrated over, or attempting to create a way to get married. God desires you to be content where you are as a single. You have the opportunity that married women do not have to fully maximize your gifts, skills, time, treasures, and talents for the glory of God. Not only that, but you also have more time to sit at Jesus’ feet as Mary did and develop an intimate relationship with the Savior.

Now read it from the context of infertility.

The moment you become distracted by the idea of barrenness being nonfulfilling – on desiring or chasing after a child rather than waiting on God’s plan for your life (whether or not that includes a child) – you have let your barrenness get in the way of God’s purpose. In fact, you have let your barrenness get in the way of God’s kingdom and your well-being because you have chosen to spend your time thinking about, feeling frustrated over, or attempting to create a way to have children. God desires you to be content where you are as a barren. You have the opportunity that mothers do not have to fully maximize your gifts, skills, time, treasures, and talents for the glory of God. Not only that, but you also have more time to sit at Jesus’ feet as Mary did and develop an intimate relationship with the Savior.

Somebody had better throw me an AMEN!!! Truly, I don’t need to write anything more. This says it all and produces enough conviction for us to digest.

To me, I am a ‘single’ in the realm of motherhood. I am that unmarried woman in a social circle of marrieds. I’m the third wheel. The spinster and all these other terms and phrases we can think of.

But, did you catch the underlying truth?!?! “you have let your barrenness get in the way of God’s kingdom and your well-being”.

This is exactly what I was guilty of in those early years. I could think of nothing more than my lack. But, in reality, God had given me an abundance and many distractions that I can say have been very, very important to His Kingdom.

It wasn’t until I finally let go of the life I thought I was purposed for that I saw my true calling. It was something I’ve never imagined but looking back He had been planting seeds for decades. I just didn’t realize it.

Photo Credit: Ashley Duke, Faith Photography

So, I started making a list of the purposes I have as a barren woman and how my freedom from distraction is used for Kingdom work:

Kingdom Purpose #1 – My general work & ministry as a wife
Kingdom Purpose #2 – My specific work as the wife of a farmer… seriously in all seriousness… I, too, am on call every hour of the day…
Kingdom Purpose #3 – My work as a writer & blogger… I’ve been equipped to help YOU!
Kingdom Purpose #4 – My work in my home church
Kingdom Purpose #5 – My work as an experienced woman in waiting and sharing how to have joy when circumstances are disappointing
Kingdom Purpose #6 – My role as a business owner and how the Lord uses our company to help others
Kingdom Purpose #7 – My ability to sit at the feet of Christ, to be ministered to in order to grow and prepare to help others in the same season as me as well as those who are in a different season

Y’all, I’m busy! It’s all good stuff! I’m definitely not without purpose.

This blog would have never have come into existence if it weren’t for my life in waiting and the realization that God had something so much bigger for me. My ministry to Brooks would never be where it’s at if I had the distraction of raising kids. Our farm would not thrive without being free from the chains of motherhood. And more importantly, the work I’ve done for the Kingdom wouldn’t have been done.

I was letting my barrenness get in the way of God’s Kingdom and my own well-being. But, not anymore. I embrace my life today, doing the work I’ve been given and, YES, ENJOYING EVERY BIT OF IT! I have the right to be happy expressing the passions that have been placed in my heart.

Never in a million years would I have thought of myself as a writer. But, here I am writing away… because God ordained it at least for a season.

So, if you are a barren (or perhaps a single that has stumbled across this post), know this –

YOU ARE NOT DEFINED BY YOUR CIRCUMSTANCE!

Your circumstance is just a description… not a definition. I can assure you that those who know me best would describe me as a barren woman. But, my guess, is that they wouldn’t say it’s my identity.

They identify me by the work of my hands rather than my status as a woman without children. They would say that my fervent JOY, my blog, my food, and my farmwife life (and how those things effect kingdom work) are at the core of who I am and my existence. It’s my identity.

Same with Brooks. He’s known as the farmer, a man of humility, and a hard-worker. He’s not defined as a brood-less man. His brood-lessness is simply a circumstance; not an identity.

You are defined by the passions in your heart as they are placed there by the Lord. That is your identity and your purpose and your calling. I wholeheartedly implore you to take stock of your life, restructure and rearrange and purge as necessary, and start living life as He’s purposed. Let go of the things you can’t control and take hold of the things right in front of you. And have some fun while you’re at it.

Oh, and order a copy of Kingdom Woman and Kingdom Man. These reads will knock your socks off and are PERFECT for an infertile whose trying to find her or his way!

11 responses

James and Christy Davis

January 15, 2022

Sister Jill, I hope you will share this with others, let our pain be your Blessing, hopefully it will change your perspective on God’s Wisdom as he knows the Future and Blesses us with the Gifts that are appropriate for us, and although it may be painful in this life; when we get to Heaven, we will Rejoice and Praise God for the Blessing He gave us, especially when we see with His vision as our eyes are opened as God’s Perfect Wisdom is revealed!
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I hope someday someone will use our story in a Couples Devotional for Couples without Children.

My name is James Davis, yes same last name as you Jil Davis. I am 46 OIF Army Combat Wounded Vet exposed to nerve agent, my wife is 44; I met Christy in college after the Marine Corps, we were married in 1999 and around April 2001 I enlisted for my second tour this time in the Army. I will never forget it, we were so excited all the home tests were positive, she showed every sign of being pregnant for several weeks, so as she went to the doctor, I raced to the recruiter to get her the health care coverage we would need for a baby. With tears in her eyes, she returned she was not pregnant, it was a hormone imbalance. I was deployed to Kuwait Iraq Nov 2001 after 9-11-2001 and got exposed to really nasty toxic waste dump and nerve agent. I was immediately afraid of what would happen to a baby born with that in my system like our Desert Storm Veterans and their children faced with birth defects. But even worse as I returned home with Sleep Apnea, Narcolepsy Temporary Paralysis Temporal Lobe seizures and other unknown neurological problems, my wife found out she was Type 2 Diabetic, and that hormone imbalance was poly cystic ovary syndrome and even though they could remove several cysts on her ovaries, there was one completely blocking one of the fallopian tubes. We prayed for God to bless us with a child, or even allow us to adopt; but my condition declined so much that my wife ended up taking care of me having to bathe and feed me for several weeks. We were never blessed with Children, and for a long time we were angry at God, especially as my brother who had walked away from God had children who now like him practice Wicca; that I pray God will deliver him and his family from this. And as Christy’s sister and friends had kids, although she rejoiced and lived vicariously through them, there is still that emptiness that will never go away. But something worse was around the corner, In 2012, as my Civilian career in the Federal Govt crashed due to medical challenges and I was medically retired; my wife’s boss had to drive Christy and I to the emergency room. We thought she had a bad flu, or bad chinese food we just ate; not only was there an ecoli infection, the metformin she took for diabetes turned into a poison in her system as everything was going haywire, they put her on a nebulizer for her asthma, but she was in pain so they gave her morphine, and she was still struggling to breathe so they told me they are going to have to intubate and breathe for her by a ventilator, but unknown to everyone she also had HUS/TTP infection that all combined caused Multiple Organ Failure heart attack, and she died for a few minutes. I know you have heard about the movie 90 min in Heaven, and Heaven is for Real, well Christy lived it and after she awoke from her medical coma on dialysis and getting plasma phoresies blood transfusions for the next 3 weeks, once she got her strength but still couldn’t talk with a feeding tube, while her Mom talked to her in sign language which they both studied and knew as an Aunt and Uncle were deaf, she asked her mom for a pen and paper and wrote this, “I know this will be hard to hear because I died, but I saw my Great Aunt, and Aunt Minnie, and James’ Grandma, who told me where the Czech recipe is located in Aunt Tina’s attic 3rd box on the right, in a book that she was reading used it as a book mark, that’s why its not with the recipes; and then her Great Aunt told her its not your time child, your husband really needs you as he is going to go through some things, so as much as you want to stay, you need to return home, and with that she was zapped back to life.” Of course her mom read it cried and ran out the room, same with her Dad, then me; and Christy was like, why is everyone crying over something so glorious? I almost lost my wife that day, and many months later as she lay in pain from an air bubble in her peritoneal dialysis tube after multiple weeks and multiple hospital visits with 2 blocked heart catheters, then peritonitis, living daily on dialysis with no kidneys; and I lay in severe pain on the floor part of me stuck under the bed and part of me stuck between the bed and night stand as I had fallen out of bed with a bad seizure and had temporary paralysis and couldn’t move and both of us thought of suicide that night, we were immediately touched by God and cried together and prayed for God to take away the pain and illness and tragedies in our lives; and we thanked Him for giving the gift of each other, a marriage standing the test of time and weary by trials but strengthened by God, enriched by Family Life Ministry Weekend to Remember Conferences we had attended, and comforted by Jesus and the Holy Spirit we made it through and now Christy has a deceased donor kidney in 2017 and I have Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy in 2014 and God’s Healing making us both capable of properly taking care of each other. I wish that was how that ended, but it didn’t. My wife still feels that emptiness of the barren womb, and just as quickly as I was greatful, as soon as my health declined again in 2019 and returned to the Hyperbaric chamber for another 40 rounds of treatment, instead of being greatful for the healing that came from that, I returned to being angry at God again, but this time taking it to a new level: stopped praying, stopped going to church, stopped listening to Christian music, consumed by survivors guilt and ptsd from the war, consumed by anger. Well lets just say God sent me a CORRECTING STORM, April 2021 my flipping channel stopped at TBN Harvest at Home Easter Celebration, then later an email from Harvest Pastor Greg Laurie a reply to a contact card I submitted that night, invited me to an online Men’s Conference, and that led to an Online Men’s Bible Study that almost a year later I am an Assistant Bible Study leader, the guy who couldn’t pray is now a Team Leader with Pulse Ministry Prayer Crisis Line. Oh Yeah, GOD is an Awesome God and he has returned this Prodigal Son now a renewed Promise Keeper to being a Spiritual Leader of our Household. So back in April 2021, I picked up and dusted off the Bible and the Devotional that was given to us when we got married by fellow students and friends from CSC Campus Students for Christ, Dennis and Barbara Rainey Moments Together for Couples and another Couples Devotional I read to her each night. But what really hurt as we read those Devotionals was they were always talking about being parents and raising our kids with Biblical Values in a Christ centered marriage and family. Well my wife contacted Family Life Ministry and asked where is the Couples Devotional for Married Couples without the ability to have kids or adopt kids? We can barely take care of each other at some of the medical challenges we face, Christy still has to bring me a cane over when I fall as she can’t lift me up, I use a chair lift to get up and down stairs, she has worked so much on her feet that she has to now wear a boot to heal an achilles heal injury, and she is the only driver in our house; so unfortunately the only child we will ever have is a cat. As you can tell, I treasure my wife, she is God’s most precious gift that I am Blessed to have as my wife; so it really hurts me to see her pain from never even having the chance to have kids or adopt, especially as I was adopted by a loving family at the age of 11 with my brother when my parents divorced and let their addictions ruin their lives. So, when I saw your article, it really spoke to me, and I can’t wait to share it when she wakes up. But since you are a writer, maybe you can work with your pastor and create a Couples Devotional for Married Couples without children. I would not mind if you used our story in one of the devotional pages. Only by God’s Grace and the Unconditional Love my wife Christy has for me despite all of my failings, we are Celebrating 23 Years together and looking forward to 25! I hope this helps someone reading this. God is Wiser than we are husbands and wives; so when we stew in anger over God not blessing us with children, maybe there was a pain God was preventing you from going through that was greater than that; maybe there is a reason you are not supposed to have children, like in our case God knew what we would be able to handle, God knew the challenges we were going to face as both of us struggled to take care of each other in our own medical challenges. Could you have imagined what it would have been like to have a child witnessing Mom and Dad falling apart physically, almost losing Mom, almost losing Dad to suicide, only having Mom be able to drive, seeing Mom have to pick up Dad off the floor, seeing Dad use a walker to hook up Mom to dialysis? God knew what I was exposed to and what damage that would have caused in child defects. But I can’t sit here and honestly say that despite knowing all of this, realizing all of this, being thankful to God that He knew our future challenges and only gave us what we could handle knowing our breaking point and doing what was best for a child but not Blessing us with one. I can’t honestly tell you despite understanding and thanking God for His Wisdom and His Blessing just to have my wife still alive and the health that we do have, that there isn’t still a little pain a feeling of loneliness like at Christmas time when we see our nephews and nieces, friends kids and others opening presents and playing with toys and we go back to an empty house just the two of us for our lives with a cat who has gotten older and doesn’t want to play with toys. Or even the disappointment we can feel from both of our parents who wish that we had given them or adopted grandkids for them to spoil. So in closing Jil, do you have any words of comfort that I can share with my wife to help us accept the Blessings God has given us in each other and walk past the pain and loss of never having children; especially as I believe my wife might be going into early menopause and all that stuff I have no clue how to help her with, especially all of the painful and long periods she has endured with endemetriosis polycystic ovary syndrome and all that awaits her hormonal changes as she faces menopause without ever having been able to even try to have children. Even the doctors are unhelpful as they wouldn’t give her a hysterectomy to prevent her from having kids when she lost her kidneys and when she got a transplant that barely functions enough to keep her from dialysis, if she had gotten pregnant she could have lost the child, or lost the kidney or her life. All of this has resulted in a lot of pain, and a lot of shame she places on herself and her weight gain due to kidney disease, and despite how much I tell her how beautiful she is and how Blessed she is, it is hard for her to feel attractive and hard for her to even want intimacy when she barely has any energy as her body is just so drained, and everything in her body seems to be going wrong making her feel terrible. I will Always Love my Wife Christy, she is God’s Blessing, an Angel; but I really want her to feel like that and Love who she is as a Beautiful Woman, a Treasure, the Love that I desire to spend the rest of my life with treasuring every second with her. If only she could see what I see! Thanks for listening and praying for our family. Sincerely in Christ, James and Christy Davis

Reply
Amy

November 13, 2017

I stumbled across this article while working through my own bitterness and identity issues associated with infertility. The words you’ve written really spoke to my heart. I was diagnosed as infertile at age 25, (I am now 41), and it has been my scarlet letter. I recently began working on shedding the strongholds that go with infertility. I never realized that I let my situation get in the way of God’s plan in my life. My focus has been way off. Thank you for your post, it was what I needed to hear.

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1. Jil Davis
  
  November 13, 2017
  
  I am so glad that you were encouraged by the blog. ❤️ I lost years and a lot of energy focusing on what I didn’t have. I allowed myself to be so distracted by the missing pieces that I couldn’t see what the Lord had blessed me with – a fantastic husband, gifts & skill sets for my career & ministry, family, friends, passions & hobbies. It’s crazy. Keep going on your journey to shed those strongholds. It is the best effort you can make for yourself and the Lord.
  
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Lyndsie

June 20, 2017

Thank you so much for this wonderful blog. I currently have been dealing with being barren and feeling lost amongst family and friends. Not knowing what I really want or where I want my life to go. I stumbled onto your site looking for SAHWNK on Pinterest. And, girl you are truly an instrument of God. Reading your blogs has given me hope and left me with a feeling relief.

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1. Jil Davis
  
  June 21, 2017
  
  Lyndsie – thank you for your kind words and I am SO GRATEFUL that the Lord has ministered to your heart. It’s amazing how infertility effects every component of our life – friends, family, work, and especially marriage. I found so much comfort in IG feeds, blogs, and finding people all over that were walking the same path as us. I have VERY few people in my social life that understand the struggle. Truly only a handful and as you know it’s a lonely life. But, it’s the community that I’ve found on IG especially that has kept me focused on the positives. ❤️
  
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Janice

March 8, 2017

Hi Jill. My Aunt Sharon just shared your blog on FB. I don’t know how old you are, but I want to tell you there is always hope. My husband and I tried for over 11 years to have children, seeing fertility specialists, but to no avail. We were completely drained – both financially and emotionally. We considered fostering or adopting (very expensive and we had spent all savings on fertility treatments), but nothing seemed to work out. So we accepted the fact that perhaps we weren’t meant to be parents…. and decided to travel instead, whenever we could. It was during a trip to Napa Valley, touring wineries and visiting Calistoga’s mud baths when I became pregnant. At the age of 42 I had my first son. And I say “first” because then at the age of 44, I had our 2nd son! Late bloomers and doubly blessed! I tell everyone who is struggling with fertility issues about my story to help give them hope, and to remind them that God’s timing is not always our timing. So if you’re up for a good mud bath and some wine…. Oh, and I’ll mention that both times when I became pregnant I had been on the “Atkins diet” for about a month, so not sure if high protein, low carbs had anything to do with conceiving, but thought I’d mention it. Our boys are now in high school. Praying for you, Jil!

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Sharky

March 7, 2017

AMEN! ?????

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Lisa

March 7, 2017

Love this Jil! Many times people (men and women) let their circumstances define them. When that happens so much joy is missed. There is always something “more” to define you. You just need to look, sometimes in unexpected things or places. So thankful for your “sharings”!

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1. Jil Davis
  
  March 7, 2017
  
  Yes, yes, YES! I hate that it’s so hard to move our focus from the bad to the good. It’s really a MINDSET change that needs to happen. Optimism versus pessimism. Positive versus negative. It certainly doesn’t happen over night. But, it can happen with some focus, intent, and determination. ??
  
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Sharon Chauncey

March 7, 2017

Girl, You just bless my socks off?
You are such a beautiful instrument in the hands of God.

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1. Jil Davis
  
  March 7, 2017
  
  Thank you Sharon! It is so hard watching so many people try to wrap their identity around this thing called barrenness. I just can’t help but think of Sarah and Hannah and Elizabeth who all were barren and yes, they are known for it. But, their usefulness and identity is in Sarah making it to the “hall of faith”, Elizabeth encouraging Jesus’ mother Mary in her own pregnancy, and Hannah giving her son Samuel to the Lord! So, much wisdom we can grasp if we take the time to meditate on His word. He’s ready to speak. <3 Miss you Sharon!
  
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